I told you my next post would celebrate Palm Sunday.

From the NoFapChristian subreddit:

several times a day, I always get the urge to [masturbate]. and I often do. it’s like.. I want to want to stop, but I don’t want to stop, if that makes sense. it’s really hard to even last a day, the longest I’ve ever lasted is probably 4-5 days. sometimes, I feel closer to God, and last longer, but then remembering how good it felt just comes back to me, and I fail. I kept praying, and I’ve only lasted long very few times, which is making me loose motivation in prayer, so this is also effecting my faith as a whole. without prayer, I feel less connected to God. I don’t know what to do, so please can you all pray for me as well.

We’ve all been there. You’re alone, maybe you have a computer, maybe you’re phone, maybe you’re just laying in bed. All of a sudden you get that familiar ache in your loins. You reach down, grab a hold of your member and start to jerk your turkey a bit.

Self pleasure is a part of the male experience. It is something we have all done, something we all run across. But is it good for you?

Why you should stop masturbating

Plenty of guys will tell you that there are a ton of reasons to stop liquidating the inventory. That euphemism gives a good hint, in itself!

Personally, I notice a lot of drawbacks to my overall well-being when I make pearl jam.

Victor Pride correctly notes that sex is the most powerful creative force on the planet. When you abstain from sexual release, your body will transmute that creative power from sexual energy into creative energy.

And the easiest way to abstain from sexual release is to stop strangling the cyclops.

Physical health

Some people say that backstroke roulette lowers your testosterone, others say it lowers your interest in actual women, or even dampens your energy and puts you in a lethargic state.

I do not know how medically verifiable these things are. I’m not a doctor and the only research I have is my own experience.

I can tell you (and others I’m sure can back this up) that my quality of life went way up when I stopped buffing the banana. When I abstain from blowing my own horn I find that I have more energy and am much more aggressive.

I push myself harder at work, I’m more creative in my writing, and tend to have a better mood throughout the day.

The Emotional Impact of Self Pleasure

Riding The Mayonnaise Surf absolutely destroys my confidence and my mood.

On days that I Tug the Slug I feel slower, and have a sort of mental fog that never really seems to lift. It’s harder for me to think abstractly and to link together disparate pieces of information. Being as these two things are – science shows – key factors of intelligence, that’s kind of a big deal.

My emotions are usually very much under my control, to a psychopathic degree. I’m fine with this, and usually leave my emotional self in the “off” position anyway. However, on days where I wax the carrot, I find myself often easily overcome by negative feelings.

The emotional impact of losses seems much greater than it would be on days where I avoid playing squirt hockey.

The Spiritual Impact of Masturbation

While I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God, and nothing removes His presence or His righteousness from me, I still can’t help but feel a tinge of depression when I burp the worm.

I feel this sort of disconnect from the world around me and I have a hard time getting into a good flow and rhythm.

I also notice that my view of women becomes skewed for a time. While I always enjoy looking at an attractive woman, I find that I am much more sexually vulgar – both verbally and in my mind – on days where I pollute myself with masturbation.

How to stop masturbating

So a lot of blogs these days are taking a sort of cavalier approach to The Devil’s Handshake, saying things like, “I only jacked off a few times today.” or, “I’m down to 5 times a week now!” like it is some great accomplishment.

A few years ago there was a huge push to stop masturbating in the male self improvement community, with people going to great lengths to explain how they were able to overcome the urge to wrestle the eel (myself included).

But today as I perused some blogs, I noticed that most bloggers these days are taking the “story of my life” approach to blogging and talking about their daily struggles and how they’re finding the red pill, or something, and that they’re a work on progress on the slinging jelly front.

We don’t have any room in our lives for that weak willed self-unimprovement bullshit around here! We’re building leaders and crafting ourselves into great visions of men.

Lucky for all of you other bloggers, googlers, and random internet readers, I have the one secret key to help you stop masturbating instantly!

I have put together a turn-key system that is guaranteed to stop you from beating your meat and removing the habit from your life entirely in as little as five seconds!

I know it sounds too good to be true, but it isn’t! This is a system that I’ve spent years designing, refining, and perfecting. I have used it to tremendous effect in my own life and I promise – if you follow my system – you can stop choking the chicken as well!

My Turn Key Stop Masturbating System For Men

Are you ready for it?

You need to prepare yourself, because this is revolutionary.

Alright….

Here it goes….

Don’t grab your dick.

BAM! I just changed your whole fucking life!
Just then!

Next time you get the urge to tussle with your muscle, remember my advice and instead don’t do that. When you’re in bed alone, and your loins start to ache, and you think to yourself, “Now would be a pretty good time stroke the stallion“, instead, I want you to think, “Nah, better not.”

It’s a pretty simple and rather foolproof strategy, really. As long as you don’t grab your dick, or use anything near you to simulate you grabbing your dick, you really can’t fail.

I know what you’re thinking right now, “But Alpha, I really love slapping the clown! You’re telling me that you expect me to just stop doing that!?”

Yes.

In fact, I’ve put together a thirty day program to help you break the habit of masturbating. If you follow this program to a T then you will find that at the end of a month you no longer have the urge to drain the vein.

Step One

Ask yourself: “Am I about to grab my dick?”

You know the drill, you feel that ache in your balls and your hand slides down below your belt. Just a little rub & squeeze, nothing too much.

But before you know it, you’re holding a fully engorged salami and shaking the ever loving shit out of it, and thinking about your ex girlfriend, Mandy.

You finish with a disappointing orgasm, wipe the tears from your cheeks, and burn the clothes you were wearing. They’re no good to you anymore. They’ve been defiled.

Let’s cut this toxic cycle off at the head! Next time your hand starts to drift, ask yourself if you’re about to grab your penis.

Step Two

Ask Yourself: Am I About To Pee?

The key to effectively stopping the bad habit of constantly and vigorously masturbating is to know when grabbing your penis is appropriate.

If you find your hand drifting towards your no-no place and you aren’t standing in front of a urinal or toilet, it is probably best to re-examine your motives. Does that particular organ really need to be throttled to within an inch of its tiny little life?

If you answer yes to the previous question, you get to move on to this step. I want you to ask yourself, “Am I about to pee?”

Step Three

Take New Action: Maybe I Shouldn’t Have My Dick In My Hand

You’ve thought it over. You’re not actively urinating or bathing, and you really don’t want to have to keep explaining to your mom why you cry after “blowing your nose” into that one sock.

You’ve now come to the appropriate time to execute step 3 of my three step program: Don’t grab your dick.

Because it is hard to eliminate habits cold turkey, I’ve included a habit replacement program. We all know that habit replacement has been a powerful tool for smokers, who get the tactile feedback of smoking from carrying, chewing, and otherwise fellating toothpicks. Well now that same powerful technology is included in my 30 day Stop Masturbating Program!

Next time you have the urge to grab your dick, you should instead grab literally anything else. As long as your dick isn’t in your hand, you’re good.

Here’s a list of things that you can feel safe grabbing, knowing for sure that they aren’t your dick:

  • Grab a pen
  • Grab a hot dog
  • Grab a small animal
  • Grab a chair
  • Grab someone else’s dick

At the end of the day, as long as your dick isn’t in your hand, you can be sure that you aren’t masturbating!

You may have to double up on this step and fill each hand with a not-your-dick item to ensure success, but I promise you that the habit replacement program included in my 30 day stop masturbating program has been used with a great degree of success by anyone that has even a modicum of self control.

Seriously, there isn’t much more to it.

The best way to stop masturbating really is to just not touch your penis. Or use something else to simulate touching your penis.

Without direct sexual stimulation, you aren’t masturbating.

A lot of guys online these days will tell you that a great way to stop masturbating is to “edge”. Edging is where you tell yourself that you’ll pull your Pearl Pump, try stop yourself just before you reach completion, and then lie about your success on the internet to strangers.

Edging is stupid because it exposes you to an unnecessary risk of relapse: Mainly, you have to actively tug on your dick. And there is no way you can tell me that tugging on your dick is a great way to stop tugging on your dick.

It just isn’t true.

There’s really no magic bullet other than just not masturbating any more. Really the best piece of advice is to remember that you are who you choose to be, and that a single failure does not define your worth as a person.

A lot of guys will try to stop masturbating, “relapse”, and then start to get down on themselves. They’ll think that they’re failures as men because they can’t beat this struggle. Like the redditor I quoted, they’ll start to let it falsely color their worldview and self-worth.

This disappointment leads to more relapsing and pulls you into a vicious cycle.

If you do masturbate, remind yourself that you aren’t perfect, but you are getting better. This is all a process and no one expects you to quit right off and never touch yourself again. You’re not a bad person for masturbating. God isn’t going to strike you down, and you won’t grow hair on your palms.

Remember these things, pick yourself up, and just try again. You’ll get there.

Please leave a comment below with some of your favorite things to grab that aren’t your dick. And be sure to share it with your friends on facebook and twitter! Remember: You may know a guy who hasn’t realized that he doesn’t always have to have his penis in his hand!

2 Replies to “How To Stop Masturbating: A Guide

  1. DUDE! You pulled me in! Love your article. The last couple of paragraphs are hilarious!! LOLOL “Grab anything, grab someone else’s dick” Had me rolling! Thank you for this article. And for not taking this way too seriously.

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